and you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it’s sinking

i've been thinking a lot about a lot of things lately. i always am, but i think for the first time since i've been a grown up, i.e. moving to cincinnati, i'm actually thinking about things a little bit differently. for the first year of being a grown up, i thought about how to solve a problem that i now understand may be unsolvable, and i thought about every possible way to drown out the loneliness from what i felt at the time was the equivalent of being left at the altar. between those two things, that pretty much occupied my thoughts for about the year. that was a hard year. for my second year of being a grown up, i thought about what makes me happy. i thought about what i value, what i believe in, what i want. a year ago, i said i knew who i was, and i actually may have thought i did, but i know now so much more about myself than i ever did, and i also know i'll always keep learning more and more about myself. so what am i thinking now? i'm thinking about the years to come. what i should be doing in the next year to help set me on the right path. i know that everything will turn out okay at the end of the day, and i know that what happens in the next year doesn't determine the rest of my life, but i also know that we make certain decisions in life that result in certain outcomes, and different decisions can result in very different outcomes. so i think this is going to be a big year with big decisions. i know this doesn't necessarily sound different from me over the past two years, but it's the decisions that i'm leaning towards that are different. the things that i want are different than the things i wanted two years ago.

i think it’s better to have someone, even if it’s the most painful thing you’ve ever had to do

"i don't want you to date other people. it may not be enough for you, but i'm trying here so i don't want you to date anybody but me. that's it. except, i'm scared as hell to want you, but here i am wanting you anyway. and fear means i have something to lose, right? and i don't want to lose you."

you spend all your time preaching about waiting for love. here it is, right in front of you.

"i'm sick of sleeping with these insipid manhattan debutantes."

i’m gonna teach you to fly

we can be better. we don't have to be like them. we don't have to end up like them. we've already come so far. our history is not our future. we've made mistakes, but we've learned, and we'll keep making mistakes, and we'll keep learning. the people who are in our lives today won't necessarily hurt us like those who hurt us in our past. we can better, if we want to...if we want more. we don't have to be scared. the best is yet to come.

let’s go. it’s not that hard

" 'i think lloyd's gonna give it up. i think he's had it.'

"you know who told me that? bo schembechler, several years ago. i never mentioned it. never told carr. but clearly, the idea of leaving didn't just flash across carr's brain. he has considered it before. remember, he was part of the schembechler line, but he was not a clone. bo would have coached until the day he died if the doctors had let him. lloyd wants to do some living before doctors become an issue. the daily drain of coaching a major football program, the pressure, the alumni, the media, the scrutiny, is like opening a faucet on your life force. carr has likely had enough.

"but let's be clear. this is not about ohio state. this is not about jim tressel. this is not about losing six of the last seven to the buckeyes. and this is not about this season's 8-4 record.

"carr is above all that. he gets the big picture. if he was leaving this year, he was leaving at 8-4, 10-2 or 12-0. if he wasn't, the team could have gone 4-8 and he would have come back.

"as for the internet nation, the sports-talk screamers and the nonstop bloggers who have been lusting for carr's head, calling him archaic, past his prime, beneath the task, if you are celebrating today's announcement, I can only tell you this: be careful what you wish for. take a look at other programs that have been chasing national championships, the hot coach of the moment. look at nebraska. look at lsu. look at miami (fla.). is that what you want? one great year or else? a coach who uses you and then jumps someplace better? is college football only about a national title? is it only about the noise and complaining when you don't beat your rival?

"lloyd carr may not have won every game, but he was loyal to this program, adamant about keeping it honorable, devoted to the players and intent on creating the finest team he could. that intensity resulted in a national championship, a bushel of big ten titles, a 121-40 record and a .752 winning percentage, ranking him seventh among active coaches, and trailing only schembechler (194-48-5) and fielding h. yost (165-29-10) in career victories at michigan. as for what has he done for you lately? well. as late as one year ago, michigan was 11-0 and No. 2 in the nation. you almost forget that in the instant gratification world we've created. maybe that's part of why carr is getting out." - mitch albom, detroit free press, november 19, 2007

http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071118/SPORTS06/71118039/0/SPORTS06

sing your song, dream your dream, hope your hope and pray your prayer

we couldn't have asked for a better man to lead our team for the past thirteen years. there are only six coaches currently with a better record than lloyd's .752 winning percentage. and there are only a handful, at most, of coaches who truly believe their school is the 'greatest university in the world.' and there are even fewer, if any, who have more integrity than lloyd.

"as we go forward, i only have one wish that this program will continue to abide by the values established by bo schembechler and the men who preceded him and the men who succeeded him, and that is to win with integrity – that's what we want to do because in the big picture, the character of this institution will be defined by the way this program is run. and that really is what michigan has always been about, and what i hope it will always be about.

"but, you know, michigan football is about team. it's about family. it's about having a group of people that you trust, that you care about. and i understand that if everybody will do the best he can do and put the team first, then you can do things that you can't do individually. michigan has had all kinds of all-americans and heisman trophy winners, but that's not what defines this program. what defines this program is team. taking a lot of people from different parts of the country, different religions and races and socioeconomic backgrounds and trying to mold them into a cohesive group of people who have one goal. and that goal is to win for michigan. and to me, that is what it's all about.

"you got to be able to take a punch, and know that all those punches are worth it because you get to go down that tunnel, and you get to stand on that sideline, and you get to represent the greatest university in the world. and you get to recruit the finest kids that play this game. and you get the great challenge of trying to do something that is very difficult, and that is to be the very, very best in this country. and it's hard to do. it's hard to do. but it's fun, and it's what makes life really worthwhile. the challenge of trying to do something with a group of people that no one can do themselves." - lloyd carr, november 19, 2007

"by your own soul, learn to live. if some men thwart you, take no heed. if some men hate you, have no care. sing your song, dream your dream, hope your hope and pray your prayer." - pakenham beatty

i know you think you’re scary and damaged and you don’t deserve good things, but you do

so grey's anatomy is my one tv addiction, besides college football. most girls watch grey's because of patrick dempsey, and don't get me wrong, i do love patrick, but i really watch it because of meredith. most people think meredith is whiney and indecisive, and mean to the people who care most about her. but i get her. i understand how she feels and why she acts the way she does, even as ridiculous as it may be sometimes. i think she's pretty, but in her own way - very natural, simple and classic. she's seemingly normal, but when you get to know her she's quirky and silly. meredith is smart and has a great job, but she's really not extraordinarily smart, and while she does well at work, she's not the best. she's extremely hard on herself, and she pushes herself for all the wrong reasons. she's been through a lot growing up...particularly with her biological mother, which she'll continue to deal with for the rest of her life. while everyone else walked away from ellis, meredith couldn't, even though she isn't sure she ever even loved her. since she didn't ever really have a mother, susan became her real mother, she became that void in meredith's life. meredith has abandonment issues from her childhood, which have turned into committment issues as an adult. her best friend, cristina, is the only person that she's ever really let get close to her. despite how perfect derek is and how much he loves her, meredith can't let him in. she doesn't want to get hurt, but mostly she doesn't want to hurt him. she doesn't want to be the one to break him because she cares too much about him. she wants the happily ever after, but for whatever reason, she thinks she doesn't deserve it...she doesn't think she deserves him. she's trying though. she's trying to open up, she's trying to let him in. she's trying to be better than what she's grown up knowing. she doesn't want to be like that. but she's scared of failing. scared of failing at work, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a girlfriend, as a wife, as a mother. at the end of the day, meredith is just a lost, scared little girl. but she has a good heart, so someday, she knows that someday, the day when she learns to let go, she'll have her happily ever after. and she will someday...right?

a most useless place...the waiting place

yesterday was halloween at work, and everyone brought in their kids dressed up in costumes. it quite possibly was the cutest thing that i have ever seen. granted all these kids were the kids too young to be in school yet, so there were lots of babies and toddlers running around dressed up as turtles, bears, princesses, dora the explorers, and there even was a michigan wolverine (what good parents they are, raising their kids up right even in the state of ohio). anyway, i handed out candy, and as each one came up to me, so happy and adorable and pudgy and smiling, i realized more and more how much i can't wait to have kids...in five to ten years. maybe i'll just pick up babysitting as a side job to cure my itch in the meantime. until then i'll just be waiting...

"wait for the boy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter the circumstances. wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other, and when he smiles you know he needs you. most of all, wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously, he'd be at the center of yours. wait for the boy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you are just as pretty without makeup, and the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you, the one who turns to his friends and says...that's her."

i need a hot girl

the guy i dated through college used to always tell me that i was the "cute" girlfriend but not the "hot" one, and that i could never actually be "hot". it used to make me feel pretty bad because seriously, who doesn't want to be "hot"? but for the first time, i've realized that he was right. i'm too dorky and random and silly and weird to be "hot". i don't carry myself like someone who is "hot", and i probably never will. this weekend, i was dancing, and a friend of mine was making fun of me because i can't dance, and i definitely can't dance like a "hot" girl. he even tried to teach me how to dance like a "hot" girl, but all he could do was laugh at how ridiculous i looked. the thing is, i think i actually kind of like the fact that i'm not the "hot" girl. i'm just not "that" girl - the girl who everyone looks at when she walks in a room, the girl who can wear a skirt with her incredible pair of legs, the girl every other girl wished she looked like and every guy wants to take home, the girl that can seduce a guy just by glancing at him. anyway, i'd much rather be the girl that the boy wants to cuddle up on the couch with every night than the girl he wants to fuck after a night at the bar. i want to be the best friend, not the fuck buddy. well, hopefully someday, someone out there will think i'm "pretty" or "cute", since "hot" is apparently just not in my hand of cards...and to be honest, i'd much rather keep my "dorky" and "random" and "silly" and "weird" cards than to trade them in for the "hot" card.

26.2

sunday i was part of history. the first time ever that the chicago marathon was canceled. my first marathon...my very first marathon. and it was hot, record high hot. seriously, who would've thought in october it would be 90 degrees? after i ran 18 miles, the police started saying that the race was officially canceled, that there wasn't any more water, that there weren't any more ambulances in the city, that for our health and safety, we needed to stop running. someone died sunday, 300 were hospitalized, thousands sought medical attention. they ran out of water at the second water stop, so i didn't have water between mile 2 and 7. i heard that they ran out of water at the first water stop not long after me...and so some were running seven miles without water. after mile 18 i ran for a bit and realized i wouldn't be able to make it all the way without water, so i walked...but i wasn't about to get on the shuttle busses that they brought in to take people back to the finish line. i came out to finish a marathon, so i did...i even ran the last mile of the course because i knew i could make it. i finished, and i'm not in the hospital. and i should be proud right? that's what everyone says. i mean 12,000 of the 36,000 who started sunday, didn't finish. so why am i just disappointed more than anything? why do i feel the need to run columbus in two weeks? running has never been about time or competition for me. it's never been about proving anything to anyone else. i run because it's my one time of day by myself, where i can think, listen to my music, it's my time. so why does it matter that i walked six miles or so? what am i trying to prove to myself, if anything? why can't i just be happy with finishing? why do i always want more?

when things go south, you shouldn’t just walk away

i have faith lloyd. i have faith in you...

growing up is lonely

i wish my best friend lived just down the street from me, or better yet, i lived down the street from her...in chicago...

it’s great to be a michigan wolverine

i really wish i didn't live in the state of ohio right now...or better yet i wish we didn't blow it this weekend...

i’m looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find

"what do you do? you laugh, you know? i'm not saying i don't cry, but in-between, i laugh. and i realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. plus, i look forward to a good cry."

i am an alcoholic and i am a drug addict and i am a criminal

"...but this girl, her name is lilly, has been good for me. she's cool, she's smart, she listens to me, i listen to her, we understand each other. we're different and we come from different places, but in a lot of ways we're the same. we're both wrecked, we're both trying to get better. we both need help, and we're trying to help each other."

photos of eskimoland

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=11n9zp0p.1nvbzfi5&x=1&y=-97orgz

did you come here to dance? what's in your glass? do you feel better? let it rain, let it pour.

he's like a breath of fresh air.

loads of hope

some days it takes every inch of your body just to keep hoping. and then, there are those other days...the days when hope overflows from your soul, radiates from you heart, and you have so much hope that you can't help but share your hope, loads of hope. give loads of hope.

sheng-li

having a reputation of good conduct.

upper captiva photos

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=11n9zp0p.61wmv22d&x=1&h=1&y=u69vih

laugh, love and hope like a child

so i just had another moment of clarity, and i think my problem is that i'm not confrontational enough. in every relationship that i know, the girls tend to start the majority of the fights - sometimes rightfully so, but sometimes not - nonetheless it happens. maybe that's what keeps things exciting? maybe being with me is just boring because there aren't those ups and downs all the time. oh well, i'll keep my fingers crossed for my happily ever after, and in the meantime i'll continue to love, laugh and hope like a child.

moment of clarity

every once in awhile, i have a moment of clarity. it's like at work when we're struggling to find the right program idea or at tutoring, when i taught my girl kaniya the nine's trick in multiplication. it's like a lightbulb going off -- you can see it in a person's facial expression that it suddenly becomes crystal clear. for two weeks, i've been trying to figure some things out. well tonight it became clear, i want more. so i changed my about me section here on myspace, and literally within the hour it became even more clear. i didn't even have to think any more about it because the decision was made for me. well, i hope my moment of clarity -- or what i drank tonight -- doesn't inhibit me from waking up in an hour and a half to make my 6 am flight. goodnight moon.

i want more

more than this

happily ever after

meredith: i'm a surgeon. i do the rescuing. you are not my knight in shining whatever.
derek: so we're gonna fight because i pulled you out of the tub.
meredith: you have a place. you could sleep at it. and then you don't have to pull me out of the bathtub. you're everywhere, all the time, saying things.
derek: this is the happy ever after part. and in the happily ever after, the guy is there all the time, saying things and the girls love it!
meredith: go to work, i'll see you there.
derek: and just for the record? i am your knight in shining whatever.
meredith: you ever feel like you feel like you're disappearing?
izzie: all the time.
meredith: why can't i just be the happily ever after person? why can't i believe in that?

one more year

everything happens for a reason.

43 years until retirement

after 10 months in my first assignment, i'm thinking about taking a new position. of course with every decision, including this one, there are advantages and disadvantages of moving on to this new assignment. the disadvantages really impact me more like 20 years down the line, so it's hard to take those into consideration. how am i supposed to make a decision based on what will impact me 20 years from now? who knows what i'll want then? seriously. i assume 20 years from now, i'll have my own family, and i know that i'll have different priorities in my life. but...they're big disadvantages, for example the chances of me staying at p&g would be slim to none. in the short term, however, i think it would be a challenging, exciting new role. well, nonetheless, this opportunity is at least forcing me to think about my future, both short term and long term.
i've realized that i've been in my role 10 months, and i've finally started to feel really settled, and i'm already ready for something new. i definitely thrive on change. i get bored very easily, pretty much with everything, and i'm not quite sure if that's a good thing.
the craziest thing that i've realized is that i have at least 43 more years until i retire, and that's about twice as old as i am now. 43 years is a long time.
anyway, so right now, i think i have a few years to at least experiment with my assignments to figure out what i want.