a most useless place...the waiting place

yesterday was halloween at work, and everyone brought in their kids dressed up in costumes. it quite possibly was the cutest thing that i have ever seen. granted all these kids were the kids too young to be in school yet, so there were lots of babies and toddlers running around dressed up as turtles, bears, princesses, dora the explorers, and there even was a michigan wolverine (what good parents they are, raising their kids up right even in the state of ohio). anyway, i handed out candy, and as each one came up to me, so happy and adorable and pudgy and smiling, i realized more and more how much i can't wait to have kids...in five to ten years. maybe i'll just pick up babysitting as a side job to cure my itch in the meantime. until then i'll just be waiting...

"wait for the boy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter the circumstances. wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other, and when he smiles you know he needs you. most of all, wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously, he'd be at the center of yours. wait for the boy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heart beat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you are just as pretty without makeup, and the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you, the one who turns to his friends and says...that's her."

i need a hot girl

the guy i dated through college used to always tell me that i was the "cute" girlfriend but not the "hot" one, and that i could never actually be "hot". it used to make me feel pretty bad because seriously, who doesn't want to be "hot"? but for the first time, i've realized that he was right. i'm too dorky and random and silly and weird to be "hot". i don't carry myself like someone who is "hot", and i probably never will. this weekend, i was dancing, and a friend of mine was making fun of me because i can't dance, and i definitely can't dance like a "hot" girl. he even tried to teach me how to dance like a "hot" girl, but all he could do was laugh at how ridiculous i looked. the thing is, i think i actually kind of like the fact that i'm not the "hot" girl. i'm just not "that" girl - the girl who everyone looks at when she walks in a room, the girl who can wear a skirt with her incredible pair of legs, the girl every other girl wished she looked like and every guy wants to take home, the girl that can seduce a guy just by glancing at him. anyway, i'd much rather be the girl that the boy wants to cuddle up on the couch with every night than the girl he wants to fuck after a night at the bar. i want to be the best friend, not the fuck buddy. well, hopefully someday, someone out there will think i'm "pretty" or "cute", since "hot" is apparently just not in my hand of cards...and to be honest, i'd much rather keep my "dorky" and "random" and "silly" and "weird" cards than to trade them in for the "hot" card.

26.2

sunday i was part of history. the first time ever that the chicago marathon was canceled. my first marathon...my very first marathon. and it was hot, record high hot. seriously, who would've thought in october it would be 90 degrees? after i ran 18 miles, the police started saying that the race was officially canceled, that there wasn't any more water, that there weren't any more ambulances in the city, that for our health and safety, we needed to stop running. someone died sunday, 300 were hospitalized, thousands sought medical attention. they ran out of water at the second water stop, so i didn't have water between mile 2 and 7. i heard that they ran out of water at the first water stop not long after me...and so some were running seven miles without water. after mile 18 i ran for a bit and realized i wouldn't be able to make it all the way without water, so i walked...but i wasn't about to get on the shuttle busses that they brought in to take people back to the finish line. i came out to finish a marathon, so i did...i even ran the last mile of the course because i knew i could make it. i finished, and i'm not in the hospital. and i should be proud right? that's what everyone says. i mean 12,000 of the 36,000 who started sunday, didn't finish. so why am i just disappointed more than anything? why do i feel the need to run columbus in two weeks? running has never been about time or competition for me. it's never been about proving anything to anyone else. i run because it's my one time of day by myself, where i can think, listen to my music, it's my time. so why does it matter that i walked six miles or so? what am i trying to prove to myself, if anything? why can't i just be happy with finishing? why do i always want more?