i know you think you’re scary and damaged and you don’t deserve good things, but you do

so grey's anatomy is my one tv addiction, besides college football. most girls watch grey's because of patrick dempsey, and don't get me wrong, i do love patrick, but i really watch it because of meredith. most people think meredith is whiney and indecisive, and mean to the people who care most about her. but i get her. i understand how she feels and why she acts the way she does, even as ridiculous as it may be sometimes. i think she's pretty, but in her own way - very natural, simple and classic. she's seemingly normal, but when you get to know her she's quirky and silly. meredith is smart and has a great job, but she's really not extraordinarily smart, and while she does well at work, she's not the best. she's extremely hard on herself, and she pushes herself for all the wrong reasons. she's been through a lot growing up...particularly with her biological mother, which she'll continue to deal with for the rest of her life. while everyone else walked away from ellis, meredith couldn't, even though she isn't sure she ever even loved her. since she didn't ever really have a mother, susan became her real mother, she became that void in meredith's life. meredith has abandonment issues from her childhood, which have turned into committment issues as an adult. her best friend, cristina, is the only person that she's ever really let get close to her. despite how perfect derek is and how much he loves her, meredith can't let him in. she doesn't want to get hurt, but mostly she doesn't want to hurt him. she doesn't want to be the one to break him because she cares too much about him. she wants the happily ever after, but for whatever reason, she thinks she doesn't deserve it...she doesn't think she deserves him. she's trying though. she's trying to open up, she's trying to let him in. she's trying to be better than what she's grown up knowing. she doesn't want to be like that. but she's scared of failing. scared of failing at work, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a girlfriend, as a wife, as a mother. at the end of the day, meredith is just a lost, scared little girl. but she has a good heart, so someday, she knows that someday, the day when she learns to let go, she'll have her happily ever after. and she will someday...right?