pardonne mes lèvres, elles trouvent la joie dans les endroits les plus inhabituels

"i would like a lifetime spent with an irrational and suspicious goddess, some short tempered jealousy on the side, and a bottle of wine that tastes like her, and a glass that's never empty."

if the sun refused to shine, i would still be loving you

i am thankful:
for the wife, who says it's hot dogs tonight,
because she is home with me, and not out with someone else.
 
for the husband, who is on the sofa being a couch potato,
because he is home with me and not out at the bars.  

for the teenager, who is complaining about doing dishes,
because it means she is at home, not on the streets. 

for the taxes i pay
because it means i am employed.
 
for the mess to clean after a party  
because it means i have been surrounded by friends.
 
for the clothes that fit a little too snug
because it means i have enough to eat.
 
for my shadow that watches me work
because it means i am out in the sunshine.  

for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing
because it means i have a home.
 
for all the complaining i hear about the government
because it means we have freedom of speech. 

for the parking spot i find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means i am capable of walking and i have been blessed with transportation.
 
for my huge heating bill
because it means i am warm.
 
for the lady behind me in church who sings off key
because it means i can hear.
 
for the pile of laundry and ironing
because it means i have clothes to wear.
 
for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day  
because it means i have been capable of working hard.
 
for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours
because it means i am alive.

and i am thankful:
for the crazy people i hang out with
because they make it fun and interesting to be alive.

i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her

"where have you been?! i've been waiting and waiting for you! and i did this stupid, embarrassing, humiliating, corny thing. and i was just gonna tell you that, this over here is our kitchen and this is our living room, and over there that's the room where our kids could play. i had this whole thing about i was gonna build us a house, but i don't build houses because i'm a surgeon! and now i'm here feeling like a lame ass loser. i got all whole and healed and you don't show up. and now it's all ruined because you took so long to come home! and i couldn't even find that bottle of champagne."
 

you don't have any rights to anything until you ask. just have to find the person who's worth asking...or maybe i just need to grow some balls.

once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale

a few weeks ago, my friend amanda married her wonderful husband, chuck.  i've been to half a dozen weddings or so, but this was the first wedding that i've been to that the couple just seemed so incredibly happy.  this was the first wedding that i went to that felt like, without a doubt, this couple would be happily married for the rest of their lives.  when i was living with amanda four years ago, she had met chuck.  after a bit of on-and-off dating, and finally really getting to know each other, they're now together forever.  it's been so fun watching them grow together.  

in april, my sister will marry patrick, another wonderful person, and what a truly perfect fit.  they're each other's favorite person, an absolute best friend.  meghan has been one person i've always looked up to, and i'm so excited to see her so happy.  my best friend alexa will get married in june to tom.  i couldn't be happier for alexa, she loves tom more than anything in this world, and they've dated now for seven years.  they've been through a lot, but the way they've both grown over the past years has shown that they'll be able to make this work for a lifetime.  then, in september, my friend, chris, will get married to stephanie, a girl i haven't met yet, but the first time chris told me about her, i knew they would get married.  it's funny, but i just knew, you can tell by the way a person talks about their person, and you just know.  when my friend dan met his girlfriend liz, i just knew as well, they'll definitely get married someday.

my closest friend in cincy, kreena, just got engaged to bobby.  another couple i knew would get married.  what an absolutely perfect couple.  they're so silly and fun together, always, despite both being in school, despite having a long distance relationship.  i hope that someday i have a relationship like theirs.  i read an e-mail bobby sent to our head of admissions, and couldn't help but cry, because of their fairy-tale story. bobby was kreena's student ambassador at kellogg.  now, two years later, they're engaged.  kreena is the person who made me realize there really are people out there who have genuinely good hearts, she is one of them, and since then, i've met two others who have genuinely good hearts as well.  one of these people is christine.  christine is dating kevin, and someday, they too will get married.

for all of these stories, it's been so special for me to watch my family and friends fall in love and grow together in each of these relationships.  the incredible amount of happiness that happens when they each found "their person" is something that is irreplaceable.  it's just the beginning of their fairy tale.  it'll be even more special to see them each continue to grow over the years as they start their families.  i hope i continue to get to be a part of their fairy tales every step of the way.

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing

the last few months i've been a bit of a mess, and sadly, i know it's not going to get better in the next 14 months. so i decided i need a true intervention, a life change. i need a routine. this routine will be rooted around sleeping hours of 11:30 to 5:30 and go from there. i've gained 10-15 lbs in the last year, and for the first time in my life, i don't feel good about my body. every single one of my health metrics are great, except my body fat percentage is at moderate risk. i need to get rid of this excess weight as soon as possible, and definitely before the spring. to establish a routine, it takes something like three months of commitment, so here are the things i'm committing to work on until i feel like i have some sense of normalcy back in my life. we'll see if this works. i hope so. i need it to.

work:
in by 8:30, leave by 6:30 (4-5 days per week)
be on time to meetings (90% of the time)
limit e-mails and multi-tasking (80% of the time)

school:
at least all homework for 1 class done on sundays (every week)

health:
bed by 11:30, up by 5:30 (every week day)
limit calories to 1500 (6-7 days per week)
lose 10-15 pounds (by april)
drink 1 liter of water (everyday)
floss (everyday)

exercise:
at least 30 min of running/biking (3x per week)
100 crunches, 100 jump ropes, 10 push-ups (2x per day)

so whoever may be reading this, if any of you actually know me or see me on a daily basis, hold me to this routine. make sure that i don't stray. i need your help.

on another note, to knock off two of the items on my 100 things to do before i die, i'm starting my "learn something new everyday" list (theyanger06daily.blogspot.com) and i'm committing to becoming a consciously safer driver since i'm buying a new car. between chicago and being late for everything, this will be tough, but it's important.

grab a pail

mother weep the years i'm missing
all our time can't be given
back
shut my mouth and strike the demons
that cursed you and your reasons
out of hand and out of season
out of love and out of feeling
so bad

when i can, i will
words defy the plan

if you let me, i'll show the world to you

i love seeing people's emotions and reactions. i think that's why i enjoy pranks so much, as well as surprises.  so my roommate works at this restaurant that thrives on the concept of bpas (blowing people away).  i think this is something i plan to institute in my life as well.

work it harder, faster, better, stronger

i very much enjoy being the support for my friends, but after being the support for someone all friday night, i realize, i also want to be the one who can fall apart. over the years, i've learned to be strong, and i think i am, but sometimes it would be nice to feel like i can just be a mess, that i can cry, that i can scream, that i can freak out about something, i think that it just makes you feel a little more human rather than being this happy, optimistic, smiling girl with the incredible friends and family, dream job, the once-in-a-lifetime chance to go to one of the best school's in the country, who is calm and collected all the time. lately i feel that i am simply a mess, as last night i slept 13 hours, but the 7 nights prior, i slept a total of only 25 hours. but somehow everyone else seems so impressed that i'm so put together, that i'm all those other things, when really inside i just feel a mess.

i think i'm just saying that i just want to act like a 25-year-old girl every once in awhile. looking forward to the upcoming two weeks of being one.

happiness is two kinds of ice cream

so i think i'm generally pretty good at understanding people, but i have one friend who i have never understood in the 3.5 years that i've known him. now after this past weekend, i think that's changed. i suddenly understand him. while i'm glad i understand, at the same time, i'm sad that i do. he's honestly one of the most incredible people i've ever met in my life, and what drives him is the same thing that prevents him from being happy. and i don't believe he's miserable, and i know that we have different definitions of happy, but still he deserves, to be happy, truly happy...we all deserve to be happy.

so i asked him to make a list of things that make him happy, and in return, he asks me, "what is happiness?" and that i needed to clearly define my definition of happiness for him to be able to make this list. charlie brown says happiness is two kinds of ice cream (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKKjqzkGo3o&feature=related). i agree with charlie. the dalai lama says happiness is a state of mind achieved through the following:
1) training the mind
2) developing calmness of mind
3) building up positive states
4) cultivating good habits (and eliminating bad ones)
5) welcoming change
6) developing a long-term perspective
7) knowing the meaning of suffering
8) developing deep relationships
9) developing a sense of compassion
10) releasing your buddha nature, i.e. enlightenment
i also agree with tenzin (yes, we're on a first name basis).

but for me, happiness is also my massive list of facebook interests below. every one of these things make me happy. some of them make me more happy than others, but every one of these is on there for a reason. and looking at this constantly expanding list, i realize why i'm so happy. i experience several of these things on my list every day. my life is filled with happiness.

of course there are some important things that are missing in my life, but they'll come in due time. i'm young and in no rush. and when it happens, whether it's tomorrow or ten years from now, it'll happen when it's right.

so to answer my friend's question, what is happiness? i believe happiness is feeling completely comfortable with yourself. and true happiness happens when nothing else matters except what's happening at that moment. think about what makes you happy, who makes you happy, when you're most happy. it's when you feel good about yourself - whether it's a major accomplishment or if you look good in a pair of jeans or if it's when you're indulging in your favorite dessert. happiness comes from people who also make you feel good about yourself - your family, your friends, your co-workers, whoever. so yes, it's the big things like graduating from college, having the dream job, going on vacation, but it's also the little things, when you walk outside at night and look up and see the stars, when your kitty sits on your keyboard when you're trying to type, when you have a fantastic glass of wine. enjoy it all. i mean, why not? i think when i share this with my friend, he'll understand what my definition of happiness is, or at least i hope so, and i hope he finds the happiness he deserves.

on another note, i don't understand why parents make their children feel so miserable. i know its not usually intentional, but seriously, shouldn't parents be a little more self-aware? i mean they've done a lot in their lives, they've raised grown children, shouldn't they know by now what they may say or not say, do or not do, has a tremendous impact on their children? in most cases, i believe that all parents want is for their children to be happy. but someone i know now reminds me of someone i knew some time ago. both of them are brilliant, good-hearted, successful people, and yet their parents, manage to make them feel like they're never good enough. i just don't get it.

and here's my last thought before i finish some work on my econ paper, i'm getting a new dog! well, not exactly, i'm having a roommate move in, and he has a dog that is unbelievably cute and well-behaved. so it'll be awesome because i'll have all the perks of a dog, but none of the serious responsibilities. i'll be able to hang out with toby in the evenings, but i don't have to worry about taking him to the vet or buying his food or finding a place for him to stay when i travel. and what's even better, is my roommate is also incredible. when he responded to my craig's list posting, he sounded too good to be true, so much that i thought it was maybe a scam of some sort. but no, it's not, he's clean, responsible, very sweet, and we had a great conversation. i'm amazed at all his knowledge and accomplishments. seriously, what more could i ask for?! an awesome roommate with an adorable dog, it really doesn't get much better than this!

interests (http://www.facebook.com/yanger06):
running, hiking, traveling, snorkeling, cooking, eating, painting, photoshop, reading, family, friends, strawberries, skirts, my nano, sitting outside on my porch, tide, downy, bounce, snowmen, the underside of leaves, passionate people, quirks, people when they're in their element, calphalon one, wushtof, 1213, michigan football, the big house, the rose bowl, the law quad, the arb, dominick's, bubble tea, oriental express fried rice, panchero's, angelo's cinnamon raisin bread, zingerman's, hellman's mayonnaise, turkey sandwiches, juiceboxes, packing my lunch for work like a second grader, graeter's, schlotzky's, vws, bay windows, sunshine, mister bettasaurus rex, my bed, my dresser, flowers, the big kids on the block, belly button rings, yangerisms, japan, newcastle, oberon, williams-sonoma, j. crew, rembrandt, van gogh, art museums, musicals, dinosaurs, children's books, painted toenails, ketchup only on my hot dogs and mustard only on my hamburgers, ruthai’s thai, jo an's, lettuce wraps, ice skating, broomball, ault park, picnics, making lists, driving with my windows down, citi dividends, $2 bills, fugacity, thunderstorms, mcdonald's breakfast, jackson hole, monte cristos from your's truly, quality, tradition, wireless, stucci's, hardwood floors, jackson and cayman, skydiving, fall, apple picking, sweaters, sunday dinners, thanksgiving, knee socks, making wreaths, christmas decorations, cedar chests, chicago, tutoring, sleeping in, hole-in-the-walls, smiling, fresh squeezed orange juice, underwater photos, the sound of water, sunrises, angel wings, the girls at devries, surprises, music boxes, kookaberras, beet salads, bedtime giggles, monopoly, antique chess sets, kayaking, running against the wind, glaciers, biking, hunan by the falls, ansel adams, pineapple sherbet, lookout joe, walking to the square, manhattan portage, megabus, convection ovens, upsets in college football (except against michigan), gumbo, football saturdays, unlimited breadsticks and salad at olive garden, black twistie ties, goat cheese, scrambled eggs with feta, reubens, sourdough, wii, having two pinky toenails, apples to apples, yankee candles, tea, risotto, pad thai, general tso's, sushi, vacation days, losing track of time, listening to alexa's stories, being ridiculous, irish car bombs, lazy sundays, lloyd carr, looking up, hope, chicken soup and rice, the first snowfall, earmuffs, live music, free parking, gnocchi, the smell of hockey, sunglasses, photography, growing, learning, teaching, giving, made up words, the idiotarod, new york, dumpling house, brunch, dreaming, change, modesty, wittiness, lilies, dragon fruit, meeting people from around the world, yawning like a lion, cooking dinner together, potbelly hot peppers, guacamole, white tequila chased by peaches with cinnamon, frozen grapes, mail, school, looking at things a little differently, believing, the days that make all the others worthwhile, olympics, making life happen, laughing with my entire body, giggling so much i can't even talk, surprising myself, confidence, trusting, details, imagination, being a head rest, friendly people, trying to wink, shenanigans, photos, climbing, smartwool, steep and cheap, kellogg, trying to remember what life was like before i started spending ten hours a week in the van, puffs, marketing, storage bins, dim sum, gailon, fortune cookies, coincidences, courage, innovation, being inspired, dil se, jeopardy, banter, nicknames, middle names, patagonia, la cruz del sur, pippi longstocking, mud, rainbows, frolicking, asking questions, reflection, montana jerky co., dulce de leche, nutella, merken, casa lapostolle, running at sunrise, horseback riding, indulging, reconnecting with people who have been influential in my life, heaven on earth, sharing, slim's, melt, connect four, bloody mary's, unconsciously singing, taking off my shoes, pranks, kreena’s vocabulary, 100 things to do before i die, sleeping, happiness, simplicity, cool weather, change of seasons, barbecue, routines, interesting conversations, wishes, getting into work early, building castles, medicine ball bowling, carpooling, argo tea, farms, old trees, turning up the volume in my car, songs with the word ‘shorty’, dancing, getting lost in the moment, playing in the rain, opening someone’s eyes, putting it all together, understanding, being a dork, walks, pets with personalities, the unexpected

and i would walk 500 more

i miss waking up with someone.

here, anywhere but here

every now and then a solid blow to your ego is important, keeps you modest. thankfully, i have an incredible friend who reminded me that despite this, i shouldn't ever lower my expectations.

week by week, day by day

just have to make it through the week. then the next. and another, then if i can make it through the quarter, then i'll be half way done. then if i make it through another quarter, i'll only have a year. then, seriously, what's a year? i can do a year easy, right? the crazy thing is that every week feels like what i used to accomplish in an entire month. each day feels like a week. maybe i just need an attitude adjustment. i don't think i ever whined as much as i have since i started school - definitely not an attractive qualitiy.

does the pink elephant have blue or purple wings?

i absolutely believe in happily ever after. but i think my happily ever after is a little different than how most people would describe happily ever after. for me, happily ever after isn’t the prince on the white horse riding off into the sunset; it’s not the house in the suburbs with white picket fences and the backyard that includes, but not limited to, the soccer goal, the two kids and a golden retriever; and it certainly isn’t roses and sunshine every day.

for me, happily ever after is being with someone who is your favorite part of your day – the someone who makes you a better person, and you do the same for them. it’s the someone who makes you laugh when all you want to do is cry. it’s the someone who asks you if the elephant has blue or purple wings when you say that you’re so tired that you see a pink elephant riding on top of the car in front of you. it’s the someone who makes you feel good about yourself and your accomplishments – the someone who thinks you’re adorable when you know you’re really just a mess. it’s the someone who opens your eyes to new worlds – the someone who makes you wish that time would stand still, but at the same time, being with that someone makes you look forward to the many years ahead…together. and it’s the someone who thinks they’re the luckiest person in the world because they get to be with the most amazing person in the world, and really you just think they’re confused because really, really, you know you’re undoubtedly the luckiest, because you know you get to be with the absolutely most amazing person in your world.

of course, i expect there will be difficult times – times when your someone lets you down, times when you let them down, times of flooding tears and bitter, sharp pains of hurt – and then there will be those days when you make each other exhaustively, unbearably angry. but no matter what it is, it will always be worthwhile to work through it…because without an ounce of doubt, you both could never imagine what your lives would be like without each other. and even more, if there is such thing as heaven on earth, it would only exist if your someone were standing there beside you.

that’s what my happily ever after is. hopefully not too unrealistic, perhaps slightly, but i think i’ll hold out for a few more years. do you think it exists?

welcome to 2009

well, it's saturday night, midnight, i got home about half an hour ago from our weekly journey to chicago. watched the end of high fidelity and now am in bed with my computer listening to music and for the first time in several months typing something other than school work or work work.

i don't know what quite brought this on, maybe watching both about a boy and high fidelity on the van, maybe it was kicking butt on my presentation today, maybe it's listening to this unbelievable song by the books right now, but after a week of sleeping maybe 20 hours over course of six nights, i feel really good for the first time all week, and i'm really, really feeling good. i don't know what it is. maybe i'm just loopy and exhausted.

i feel like my life is completely different than it was three months ago, and suddenly i kind of am realizing the last few months have really pushed me to be better in some ways, worse in others, and i clearly like the better and need to work on the worse now.

and now, apparently i'm being summoned to go out, so i'll be back after a drink or two and write more.