lend me your eyes i can change what you see. but your soul you must keep, totally free.

here's the thing that makes life so interesting: the theory of evolution claims that "only the strong shall survive." maybe so, maybe so.  but the theory of competition says "just because they're the strong doesn't mean they can't get their asses kicked." that's right.  see, what every long-shot, come-from-behind underdog will tell you is this: the other guy may in fact be the favorite; the odds may be stacked against you.  fair enough...but what the odds don't know is this isn't a math test. this is a completely different kind of test.  one where passion has a funny way of trumping logic.  so before you step up to the starting line, before the whistle blows and the clock starts ticking, just remember: out here, the results don't always add up.  no matter what the stats may say and the experts may think and the commentators may have predicted, when the race is on, all bets are off. don't be surprised if someone decides to flip the script and take a pass on yelling "uncle".  and then suddenly, as the old saying goes, "we got ourselves a game."

lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. and i will try to fix you.

if this is what a clusterfuck is like, i think i like it.

lost generation

i am part of the lost generation
and i refuse to believe that
i can change the world
i realize this may be a shock but,
“happiness comes from within”
is a lie, and
“money will make me happy”
so in 30 years i will tell my children
they are not the most important thing in my life.
my employer will know that
i have my priorities straight because
work
is more important than
family
i tell you this
once upon a time
families stayed together
but this will not be true in my era
this is a quick fix society
experts tell me
30 years from now i will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
i do not concede that
i will live in a country of my own making
in the future
environmental destruction will be the norm
no longer can it be said that
my peers and i care about this earth
it will be evident that
my generation is apathetic and lethargic
it is foolish to presume that
there is hope.

and all of this will come true unless we choose to reverse it.

there is hope.
it is foolish to presume that
my generation is apathetic and lethargic
it will be evident that
my peers and i care about this earth
no longer can it be said that
environmental destruction will be the norm
in the future
i will live in a country of my own making
i do not concede that
30 years from now i will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
experts tell me
this is a quick fix society
but this will not be true in my era
families stayed together
once upon a time
i tell you this
family
is more important than
work
i have my priorities straight because
my employer will know that
they are not the most important thing in my life.
so in 30 years i will tell my children
“money will make me happy”
is a lie, and
“happiness comes from within”
i realize this may be a shock but,
i can change the world
and i refuse to believe that
i am part of the lost generation.
- jonathan reed

goodnight sunshine

"i don't really know what to say to all that.  i guess i just thought...or hoped...you've changed.  it was not my intent to give you any glimpse of hope that we could ever be together.  i honestly just wanted to make sure you didn't feel bad anymore as i know i said some not-so-nice things because i was so angry.  i'm a forgiver.  i think the biggest thing was just that i believe in forgiveness and you seemed concerned that you irrevocably hurt me, and still today feel that.  i wanted to free you of any guilt, concern, pain, or sadness when you think of me. 

i do, however, learn from my mistakes in life.  so if you aren't going to stop your behavior for your wife or your beautiful children, do it for me.  i deserve someone who will take care of me - not financially, i do very well myself - but someone who will take care of my heart, my love, my interests, my passions, my vulnerabilities and insecurities, my quirks, my temperament, my emotions.  you aren't that person, and not only you never could be, you would never choose to be.  i deserve someone who can give me all that i would give to him.  i deserve someone who would choose me.  so for me, yes i'd ask you not to contact me again.  i wish you all the best, and i hope you realize someday sooner rather than later, either you choose your wife and your family or you choose a life to find someone else who would give you what you need to be satisfied.  you can't have both.  life doesn't work like that."

- meredith grey

all the living are dead, and the dead are all living. the war is over and we are beginning.

on sunday, my friend's little sister lindsay passed away.  about a year ago, i wrote a blog asking you to help by joining the bone marrow registry.  http://yanger06.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-try-not-to-ask-for-much-but-im-here.html  she actually found a match after that.  and things were great...for awhile. 

i admit i didn't know lindsay that well except through her brother.  he's one of my longest and closest friends in cincy along with his girlfriend brooke.  they're two of my favorite people.  they not only share with me many of the same interests in hiking, backpacking and music, they share many of the same values that i do.  they've been an inspiration to me on what i want and should expect in a relationship.  brandon and brooke are very different as individuals, but they complement each other, like pb&j.  what i define perfection in a relationship is simply that you don't want to be with anyone else.  they have a perfect relationship.  on another note, i sometimes think that they don't realize what incredible people they really are, i hope they know how awesome they really, truly are.

so i've tried to figure out why i've had such a reaction to lindsay's passing, perhaps even more emotional than my grandmother's.  when i found out about lindsay, i couldn't stop crying, the hyperventilating kind of crying.  i haven't cried that hard since this past summer.  everytime i see a facebook post or a message or her obituary, or today when brandon changed his facebook photo to him and his sister, i started uncontrollably dripping tears.  i think it's because she's so young.  i think it's because she's such a wonderful, beautiful, strong person, and i always believe good things happen to good people, and she was a really good one.  is a really, really good one.  so i just don't get it.  i think it's because brandon is such a good friend.  i think it's because while i haven't talked to brooke, i think it's been just as hard on her.  i think it's because brooke has been through so much in the past two years.  i think it's because i can't even imagine what her family and friends are going through.  and her family has been through so much in the past three years.  i think it's because i wish her mom and dad had more time with her.  i think it's because i know i need to do something about my birth mother before she dies, but i don't know what.

let life in

"there's nothing we can do about the things we have to live without. the only way to see again is let life in. hear me wanting this world to let you in." - john rzeznik

yesterday was the beginning of 2011.  this is going to be a fabulous year.  it'll be the beginning of life.  it's the year to let go.  it's the year to celebrate, the year to relax, the year to work my ass off, the year to wipe some asses with charmin, and most importantly, the year to just enjoy life.  considering how my new year's went, i think it was representative of the year to come, hopefully a bit less emotional though.

as i had predicted, 2010 was the year of survival.  sometimes that's all we can do, just survive, just to hold on.  and i did.  i made it.  it was a great year, but i was also ready for it to be over.

i had my last saturday of class a few weeks ago.  my very last class.  i've spent the last two and a half years of my life on saturdays in class.  i've spent the last two and a half years of my life hearing my alarm go off at 4:15 am; snoozing until 4:30; jumping in the shower; grabbing my pillow and my dvd player; running out the door, literally; driving 60 mph up delta, down linwood, up the hills on paxton, over on madison, back behind crossroads, and through the parking lot at meijer; opening my trunk; taking my quilt; and getting on the van to ride (and on occasion, drive) to chicago; stopping at starbucks in indy; spending almost nine hours in class amongst some brilliant peers and passing notes to one of my best friends in one of the greatest mba programs in the world; then driving five hours all the way back south; stopping in lafayette for my third round of fast food for the day; then finally making it home around 11:30 pm to shower and crash in my bed.

i am so lucky to have had such a ridiculous and incredible experience over the last two and a half years, but no more please.

now it's time to let life in.