goodnight sunshine

"i don't really know what to say to all that.  i guess i just thought...or hoped...you've changed.  it was not my intent to give you any glimpse of hope that we could ever be together.  i honestly just wanted to make sure you didn't feel bad anymore as i know i said some not-so-nice things because i was so angry.  i'm a forgiver.  i think the biggest thing was just that i believe in forgiveness and you seemed concerned that you irrevocably hurt me, and still today feel that.  i wanted to free you of any guilt, concern, pain, or sadness when you think of me. 

i do, however, learn from my mistakes in life.  so if you aren't going to stop your behavior for your wife or your beautiful children, do it for me.  i deserve someone who will take care of me - not financially, i do very well myself - but someone who will take care of my heart, my love, my interests, my passions, my vulnerabilities and insecurities, my quirks, my temperament, my emotions.  you aren't that person, and not only you never could be, you would never choose to be.  i deserve someone who can give me all that i would give to him.  i deserve someone who would choose me.  so for me, yes i'd ask you not to contact me again.  i wish you all the best, and i hope you realize someday sooner rather than later, either you choose your wife and your family or you choose a life to find someone else who would give you what you need to be satisfied.  you can't have both.  life doesn't work like that."

- meredith grey

all the living are dead, and the dead are all living. the war is over and we are beginning.

on sunday, my friend's little sister lindsay passed away.  about a year ago, i wrote a blog asking you to help by joining the bone marrow registry.  http://yanger06.blogspot.com/2010/01/i-try-not-to-ask-for-much-but-im-here.html  she actually found a match after that.  and things were great...for awhile. 

i admit i didn't know lindsay that well except through her brother.  he's one of my longest and closest friends in cincy along with his girlfriend brooke.  they're two of my favorite people.  they not only share with me many of the same interests in hiking, backpacking and music, they share many of the same values that i do.  they've been an inspiration to me on what i want and should expect in a relationship.  brandon and brooke are very different as individuals, but they complement each other, like pb&j.  what i define perfection in a relationship is simply that you don't want to be with anyone else.  they have a perfect relationship.  on another note, i sometimes think that they don't realize what incredible people they really are, i hope they know how awesome they really, truly are.

so i've tried to figure out why i've had such a reaction to lindsay's passing, perhaps even more emotional than my grandmother's.  when i found out about lindsay, i couldn't stop crying, the hyperventilating kind of crying.  i haven't cried that hard since this past summer.  everytime i see a facebook post or a message or her obituary, or today when brandon changed his facebook photo to him and his sister, i started uncontrollably dripping tears.  i think it's because she's so young.  i think it's because she's such a wonderful, beautiful, strong person, and i always believe good things happen to good people, and she was a really good one.  is a really, really good one.  so i just don't get it.  i think it's because brandon is such a good friend.  i think it's because while i haven't talked to brooke, i think it's been just as hard on her.  i think it's because brooke has been through so much in the past two years.  i think it's because i can't even imagine what her family and friends are going through.  and her family has been through so much in the past three years.  i think it's because i wish her mom and dad had more time with her.  i think it's because i know i need to do something about my birth mother before she dies, but i don't know what.